The kids were growing up, I could see the empty nest looming on the horizon, though I knew it was still some years away. But I realized that my whole life was centered around our kids. I loved being a mom (still do, and by the way, being a grandmother’s pretty cool too!) and I could see that role beginning to diminish as our children became more independent. Sure, I was involved in church here in Kenya, but at that time, not in a major way. My ‘career’ at that time, was first and foremost, Mother. I never regretted this, but I also knew it would not last forever.
I had begun to feel unneeded, useless, adrift. Life lacked that zing, that something that gets you out of bed in the mornings. I even began to question why I was in Kenya. Afterall, anything I was doing could be done anywhere in the world. Why did I need to be halfway around the world? The dissatisfaction was increasing. By this time, we were due for a long furlough to the U.S. for a break, but also to raise funds for our work (really, Chip’s at that time). In addition, Chip was to do the course work for his PhD. We knew we would be in the U.S. for at least 3 years.
During this extended time in the States, I continued to struggle. I began to feel like I did not want to return to Kenya. I liked being nearer to extended family. I was enjoying our new friendships in the church we had settled in. I was involved in the local homeschooling association. But most of all, I did not want to return to that useless, unneeded feeling. My dissatisfaction and yes, even resentment had reached a bursting point. It felt so wrong that Chip had all this satisfaction and fulfillment in his work and here I was in the desert. I knew it would not be a good thing to go back the way things were. So, one day, I decided to ‘bite the bullet’ and talk to Chip about it.
We were seated at a nice restaurant on one of our weekly dates. Chip had suggested a weekly date night where we could go out just the two of us and have a dinner or some other activity, to keep the intimacy growing in our relationship. Great! I loved the idea and loved the time alone to talk about important things, away from the kids. This particular evening, I had heavy things on my mind. I was afraid to bring up the matter of my discontent to Chip because I knew that his work in Kenya was his very life and here I was about to drop a bomb on it! I was afraid he might get angry with me and maybe even blow up. I was really nervous.
Finally, I broached the subject and spilled out all my doubts, my frustrations, my feelings of uselessness, my questions as to why I was even in Kenya, ending with the statement that I could be doing the same thing in the U.S. What was I even doing in Kenya? Then I waited…
I was braced for an explosion, but it never came. Chip just sat there quietly listening and when I finished spilling my guts, after a pause, he simply, calmly said “Wow. Looks to me like we need to pray for God to give you a vision”. That’s it. No drama. No angry outburst. No “How could you even think of leaving Kenya?” Just that quiet statement.
All the turmoil within suddenly came to a halt. The dust settled. The air cleared. There was relief. Several realizations hit me at once: 1. I had been trying to do ministry without a clear vision. This is rarely ever successful. 2. My deep sense of dissatisfaction stemmed from this lack of vision. Even a wise proverb says, without a vision, the people perish (Proverbs 20:18). 3. The answer to my dilemma was not to flee my circumstances, but to find out where my passion was and how I was to fulfill it. One could say the key was to bloom where I was planted – to use a popular phrase.
It was not lost on me that Chip wisely used the word ‘we’ in his diagnosis of my situation. We needed to ask God for a vision for me. He did not just toss out a prescription for me to pursue, but he was willing and even eager to join me in the quest. This was going to be our task, our ministry…and out of this crisis Ukarimu Ministries, the work we have poured our lives into for the past 28 years, was born. But I get ahead of myself. Join me next entry if you want to see how this came about.
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