One of the main areas of ministry Chip and I are involved in today is that of mentoring. We mentor university students. We mentor young couples about to be married or newly married. We mentor new parents or middle-aged parents seeing empty nest on the horizon. We mentor aspiring ministers. I guess you could say mentoring pretty much defines our lives. We blame it all on one unassuming couple who proved to be our own mentors when we first arrived in Kenya – Jerry and Ann.
Jerry and Ann both were two of the humblest people we had ever met up to that point in our lives. Whenever they disagreed, they did so, allowing that they could be wrong. When they made mistakes, they were the first to acknowledge it and work to make it right. When they had to correct, it was with firmness mingled with kindness that could not be mistaken.
As an illustration, early in our marriage, Chip and I had fallen into the bad habit of cutting each other down in public, often cloaking it as humour. It was something we did not even notice…that is until our mentor couple brought it to our attention.
The four of us used to play squash weekly at the local hotel. Chip would play Jerry and I, Ann. We never tried doubles because Jerry was the only truly competent player. It wouldn’t be fair to him or the rest of us. After a few games, we would drink sodas to cool down, then go to their home more times than not for a lunch together, where we would talk about work, family, challenges and dreams.
One afternoon, as we settled for the usual chat after lunch, the conversation began with an awkward “We’d like to talk with you two about something we have noticed…” I immediately braced myself. I mean, doesn’t that phrase always precede some sort of unpleasant confrontation? They then proceeded to bring to our attention our unseemly behaviour and the effect it had on others around us, making them uncomfortable; on the way it damaged the effect of our example to others; and the way it could destroy our own marriage. The information hit me like a ton of bricks. I can’t speak for Chip, but I was embarrassed. I desperately wanted to be angry with this couple, these bearers of bad news. But I could not. This information was delivered with such gentleness, humility (even having cited some of their own marital blunders as illustrations) and obvious love, that I simply could not even remain sullen. I was completely disarmed.
Rather than arguing back, denying, or at least ignoring the truth, we instead found ourselves truly examining our behaviours and their possible roots. We became much more aware of how our actions and words affected those around us, becoming more intentional in them. I was unaware at the time that such methods are skills mentors employ – some by way of training and others naturally.
To this day, I don’t know if this godly couple was intentionally mentoring us or if they were simply loving and trying to help this green, naïve missionary couple. Either way, the effect was dramatic in our own personal lives, our marriage, in raising our family, and our cross cultural work here in Kenya – as they ‘did life’ and work with us over a number of years.
We will always be indebted to this humble, loving couple and to this day count them among our best friends. We still see them as mentors as we enter new seasons of our lives – they being a step ahead of us all the way. Often people ask us the secret of our longevity on the mission field (we just celebrated 39 years in Kenya). Without hesitation, Chip and I generally look at each other and in unison say, “Jerry and Ann”.
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I have been trying to capture my thoughts, impressions, lessons learned and emotions surrounding my daughter’s marriage to a Kenyan man. This is quite the rollercoaster ride in cross cultural experiences…scary and thrilling at the same time!
It all began with the Ithege. Once we realized our daughter and her beau were serious and had definite plans to marry (after all, we saw her post on Facebook flaunting the engagement ring while we were in the U.S.), we knew we were about to embark on quite an adventure. After Amanda graduated from university, she trotted off to the U.S. for a year and a half to do a course in massage therapy. It was towards the end of this time we all realized that if they were to get married in the summer (before Chip & I were to leave for some months to the U.S.), we all needed to get started on the round of family meetings required for a proper Kenyan marriage. Thus the first meeting was planned to take place even before Amanda returned…the first meeting of the families.
The way I understand it, this first meeting, which they call Ithege (a type of tree, I was told), was actually a combination of the requisite first and second meetings. The way it was explained to me, in the traditional Ithege, the proposed groom’s family representatives come along with the groom and some of his friends, to meet the proposed bride’s family, see where she lives, and be reassured that indeed the girl is interested in marriage…that this is not a figment of the young man’s fancy. Once all this is established, traditionally, a tree would be planted at the entrance to the young lady’s family compound, basically to warn any other interested young men that this one’s taken! This is the equivalent of an official engagement. In this modern day, the Ithege tree now takes the form of money paid to the bride to be’s parents. The funny part to us was that there was considerable agitation that our daughter’s intended had ‘jumped the gun’ and given Amanda an engagement ring before having had this meeting of the families. They were particularly aghast when they discovered that the ring had been given and accepted even before the young man had even officially asked to court Amanda. What is done in that case is that a fine is paid by the young man – determined by his uncles – to the young lady’s family! All these discussions and activities were done with great seriousness and ritual.
There is one cardinal rule in the Ithege…the parents of the bride and of the groom must not speak! This was something which I found both comforting and difficult at the same time. On the one hand, this was all so new to me that I was lost much of the time and so was grateful I was not required to speak. I was sure I would say the wrong thing and offend everyone! However, it was also hard to keep my mouth shut when I felt something needed to be clarified! Chip and I had to keep mum and to trust our Kenyan ‘family’ to do all the necessary negotiations, ritual discussions and explanations.
So what did I learn in this first of several family events leading up to Amanda’s wedding? The first thing I learned was that in 36 years of living in Kenya and working especially among the Kikuyu community (Thuo’s tribe), I realized with great shock that I know nothing at all about their culture! This was a very humbling experience for me…and probably a much needed one! In addition to this was a profound sense of gratitude to the 2 couples whom we approached to help us navigate these tricky cultural waters (later joined by 2 more couples in the next meeting). We would certainly have sunk and drowned were it not for these wonderful friends who were willing to adopt us as true family, even to the point of doing all the uncle and auntie duties they would do for their own biological nieces and nephews. Finally, I was filled with a deep sense of satisfaction in these new discoveries. Even at nearly 60, there are lots of new things to discover and learn. This made me anticipate the upcoming meetings with relish, even as I felt nervousness over what challenges may face us ahead.
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I have been trying to capture my thoughts, impressions, lessons learned and emotions surrounding my daughter’s marriage to a Kenyan man. This is quite the rollercoaster ride in cross cultural experiences…scary and thrilling at the same time!
It all began with the Ithege. Once we realized our daughter and her beau were serious and had definite plans to marry (after all, we saw her post on Facebook flaunting the engagement ring while we were in the U.S.), we knew we were about to embark on quite an adventure. After Amanda graduated from university, she trotted off to the U.S. for a year and a half to do a course in massage therapy. It was towards the end of this time we all realized that if they were to get married in the summer (before Chip & I were to leave for some months to the U.S.), we all needed to get started on the round of family meetings required for a proper Kenyan marriage. Thus the first meeting was planned to take place even before Amanda returned…the first meeting of the families.
The way I understand it, this first meeting, which they call Ithege (a type of tree, I was told), was actually a combination of the requisite first and second meetings. The way it was explained to me, in the traditional Ithege, the proposed groom’s family representatives come along with the groom and some of his friends, to meet the proposed bride’s family, see where she lives, and be reassured that indeed the girl is interested in marriage…that this is not a figment of the young man’s fancy. Once all this is established, traditionally, a tree would be planted at the entrance to the young lady’s family compound, basically to warn any other interested young men that this one’s taken! This is the equivalent of an official engagement. In this modern day, the Ithege tree now takes the form of money paid to the bride to be’s parents. The funny part to us was that there was considerable agitation that our daughter’s intended had ‘jumped the gun’ and given Amanda an engagement ring before having had this meeting of the families. They were particularly aghast when they discovered that the ring had been given and accepted even before the young man had even officially asked to court Amanda. What is done in that case is that a fine is paid by the young man – determined by his uncles – to the young lady’s family! All these discussions and activities were done with great seriousness and ritual.
There is one cardinal rule in the Ithege…the parents of the bride and of the groom must not speak! This was something which I found both comforting and difficult at the same time. On the one hand, this was all so new to me that I was lost much of the time and so was grateful I was not required to speak. I was sure I would say the wrong thing and offend everyone! However, it was also hard to keep my mouth shut when I felt something needed to be clarified! Chip and I had to keep mum and to trust our Kenyan ‘family’ to do all the necessary negotiations, ritual discussions and explanations.
So what did I learn in this first of several family events leading up to Amanda’s wedding? The first thing I learned was that in 36 years of living in Kenya and working especially among the Kikuyu community (Thuo’s tribe), I realized with great shock that I know nothing at all about their culture! This was a very humbling experience for me…and probably a much needed one! In addition to this was a profound sense of gratitude to the 2 couples whom we approached to help us navigate these tricky cultural waters (later joined by 2 more couples in the next meeting). We would certainly have sunk and drowned were it not for these wonderful friends who were willing to adopt us as true family, even to the point of doing all the uncle and auntie duties they would do for their own biological nieces and nephews. Finally, I was filled with a deep sense of satisfaction in these new discoveries. Even at nearly 60, there are lots of new things to discover and learn. This made me anticipate the upcoming meetings with relish, even as I felt nervousness over what challenges may face us ahead.
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