The Empty Nest: Which is Harder, the First or Last?

“I wonder which is hardest to let go, the first kid or the last one?” This was the thought on my mind as we made preparations to leave Joshua behind at the airport. We had just been in the U.S. for a year. Josh, by then, had graduated from high school. He had been accepted to study at Messiah College, and had spent the last several months with us in a missionary house a supporting church provided for our use as we were preparing to see our son off. Actually, we were going to have to leave him in one of the pastors’ care as we had to return to Kenya before Josh was due to make his way to Pennsylvania to college. We felt bad that we would not be there to escort him, to help him pack, to emotionally prepare for such a milestone. But, as was characteristic for Josh, he took it all in stride with great aplomb and good naturedly. He was too excited about this new season in life to let the ‘small stuff’ get him down. The plans were made. Josh was to stay a week or two with this pastor and his wife, who would help him pack. Then he would drive to Messiah College in the car we had given him (which had been given us to use while travelling the U.S.) where his Uncle Rick would meet him and help him get settled. We were grateful to family and friends who so willingly volunteered to look after our firstborn…the first to leave the proverbial nest.

There we were at the airport, with the usual hustle and bustle, getting through security checks, reshuffling items in luggage to accommodate luggage allowances, getting checked in and choosing our seats. It is a stressful process, and one does not have much time for reflection. The pastor of the church had taken us to the airport and Joshua was with us, just like previous trips back and forth across the Atlantic. These were pre-9-11 days and so Josh and this pastor was with us through much of the check in process. However, the time came for us to go through the final security check and enter the waiting room for boarding the plane. We bustled forward with the press of people, then all at once I realized that Joshua was no longer with us. I remembered that he would not accompany us this time, and so turned back to see him standing a distance away, with the pastor’s arm around him. He didn’t look particularly sad (I thank God for that or maybe I would have rushed back) but my own heart was breaking as I kept thinking “This is not right. He’s supposed to be with us!”  I kept glancing back as we slowly made our way through the line, seeing the distance growing between us and each time the mother’s heart broke a little more. I can testify that the first fledgling to leave the nest is definitely very hard! I got used to it in time, but oh, did I miss that guy’s wacky sense of humor, the way he could always make me laugh and lift my spirits!

I’m afraid the middle one’s departure from the nest, Sam, went without fanfare or angst. By this time, I was certain I had this emptying nest thing down pat. I was a pro by now. Sadly, that is the lot for the middle kid (I know…I was a middle kid!). I missed Sam hugely, but I was confidant of navigating these waters like a pro.

Soon, it would be Amanda’s turn. I continued to ponder whether this would be more difficult than letting the boys go (especially that first one). But there would be no way of really knowing until that time came.

There are many things we find difficult to let go of. Some of these things are good things that we just cannot hang on to anymore, like a season in life, or the loss of a loved one. Life is about change and we need to learn to embrace its changes. However, other things we find difficult to let go of are things that are not good for us – bad habits, toxic relationships, unforgiveness. In the times when we realize we have to let go of something, it is wise to ask for God’s help, allow Him to gently pry our tightly-grasping fingers from around whatever it is we are desperately clinging to, and then trust Him to provide whatever it is that particular thing or person used to provide in our lives – like security, support, love, joy,  excitement, or contentment. God knows our needs. He also knows when we need to move on in life and to let go. He is our helper in those times. Was it easy to let go of my sons? No. Is it easy now? Still, no. But it is a natural and good part of life, as they now live their own lives, and even enrich mine with their spouses and children and chosen paths in life. God uses the seasons in our lives to help us grow – through the sorrowful and joyful – and letting go is part of both.